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Article printed in Magic City Morning Star, Chicago Illinois (June 2014)

THE ACCIDENTAL BANK HEIST (how to rob a bank without really trying)

Author: Judith Slaughter


My Worst Day ever!


It was a quiet Tuesday and I was about ready to go to lunch when two bank robbers burst into my bank with guns a blazing. To make sure they had everybody’s attention one shot a round into the ceiling and the florescent light tubes crackled, popped and smashed to the floor in a million tiny shards.

“Everybody on the floor” was the command. The bank was virtually empty, one merchant was making a deposit and the robber grabbed his money bag. A lady from the market was on the floor in a split second and two guys from the Bagel joint were down like bowling pins. The robbery proceeded with one jumping the counter and emptying the cash drawers into a sack as the tellers moved aside, eyes like saucers.

I tried to breathe normally as one pointed a gun directly at me and barked for me to put down the phone. I had already pushed the alarm at my desk, the commotion was like a big dark blur and then just when I thought they were going to run out, a black and white cruised the parking lot and I could hear a sputtering Helicopter landing on the roof. One of the bandits grabbed me by the arm; my feet didn’t touch the floor as he jerked me toward the waiting getaway car.

The chase was on. They sped toward the freeway as I contemplated my next move. I knew they would kill me; I had to escape. The onramp was backed up so the driver slowed down and tried to drive the narrow side curb; I opened the door and literally sprung into the ice plant and rolled down the embankment in my pink boucle suit! When I got to the bottom the sprinklers came on.

As I watched from my ground position with my broken heels, torn nylons and ripped clothes my mind’s eye could see my hair in wet tendrils and my mascara blackened cheeks, I truly resembled the last rose of summer! I didn’t hurt even though my knees were bloody and my back had hit a couple of sprinklers on my decent. I was too excited to cry. Like a well-trained warrior I assessed my position, all my parts worked, I hadn’t broken anything and I was alive! I smiled and thanked God for that!